Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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