Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
