Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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