Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
