The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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