Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
