Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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