I think I won the penis lottery.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
