Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
