my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
