It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
