I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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