At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I supernannyed him into submission
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
