remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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