Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
