In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
