I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
