I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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