How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
