I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
