My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
