I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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