Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
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