did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
