At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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