Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
