there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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