i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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