Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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