two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I'm just crazy horny about you
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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