when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
