Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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