hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
