i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I wish I only lived at night.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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