dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Randomize
