My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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