I hope mine doesn't look like that
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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