Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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