you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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