I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Just pee around me
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
