i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I wish you could order shots online.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
