So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
