My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
