There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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