I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
