Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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