What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
