but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
