Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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