he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
