The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
